If I Can’t Raise Heaven, I’ll Raise Hell: How Narcissists and Cult Leaders Keep Control at Any Cost

A raw look at why their goal isn’t to hurt you — it’s to own your emotional world, whether through ecstasy or chaos.

One of the biggest misconceptions about narcissism is the idea that narcissists want to hurt people — that the cruelty is the point.It isn’t.

One of the biggest misconceptions about narcissism is the idea that narcissists want to hurt people — that the cruelty is the point.It isn’t.

If you’ve spent time with reputable voices like Dr. Ramani, Richard Grannon, or HG Tudor, you’ll already know that a narcissist’s primary goal is control, not destruction. The destruction is just the fallout — the debris that gets scattered as they manipulate, scheme, and shape-shift their way into dominance. When your entire life is built on maintaining a false self, you’ll pull every lever available to keep people blind, compliant, and orbiting around you.

Once you understand that the mission is control, everything else starts making sense.

It explains why narcissists aren’t committed to one persona — saint or villain — but will switch masks in a heartbeat. They’ll be charming, humble, enlightened, broken, furious, devastated, or terrifying depending on what gets them the most leverage in that moment. The presentation doesn’t matter. The impact doesn’t matter. The truth certainly doesn’t matter.

Only control.

And this is where the saying, “If I can’t raise heaven, I’ll raise hell,” fits them perfectly.Because narcissists genuinely don’t care whether you’re blissed out or broken down — as long as they are the reason for your emotional state.

And if you’re an intimate partner? Oh, they will raise hell with precision.

A person with genuine emotional empathy feels uncomfortable knowing they’ve caused distress. They reflect. They apologise. They try to repair.

A narcissist, on the other hand, often feels empowered by the distress they caused — because it confirms their importance. It proves they can move your inner world around like furniture. And that should tell you everything you need to know about their lack of empathy, and why their behaviour is so dangerous on so many levels.

Raising Heaven, Then Raising Hell: The Intimate Relationship Cycle

Let’s take the classic narcissist–empath dynamic.

In the beginning, the narcissist “raises heaven.”Love bombing. Intensity. Chemistry on steroids.You’re not sleeping, not eating, having wild sex, floating in dopamine and oxytocin — the whole thing feels like a cosmic collision.

But here’s the thing: normal relationships slow down.That’s not a problem — it’s actually how trust forms. Two emotionally healthy people settle, regulate, and build something steady.

But to a narcissist, the slowdown is intolerable.

The love-bombing phase gives them everything they want: attention, admiration, control, drama, novelty.When the intensity naturally fades, they panic — and their solution is often to ignite chaos.

They’ll pick a fight over nothing.Create a crisis.Withdraw, then punish.Or flip into a new persona entirely.

Why?Because conflict re-establishes control. Because your distress brings their supply back online.Because hell is just as useful to them as heaven — sometimes more.

The Cult Leader: Same Pattern, Bigger Stage

Now zoom this dynamic out from a relationship to an entire group of people.

Most cult leaders are narcissists (or present with strong narcissistic traits), and their behaviour follows the same blueprint — just scaled up.

Take NXIVM, for example.Keith Raniere didn’t just want control through sexual access, secrecy, and manipulation. That wasn’t enough. His appetite for power was bottomless. So he escalated — as narcissists do — and “raised hell” by designing DOS: a secret master–slave system run by Alison Mack but conceived and directed by him.

Because raising heaven stopped working.Because the high wasn’t high enough.Because the control wasn’t total enough.

When a narcissist can no longer maintain dominance through adoration, they switch to domination through fear, confusion, and chaos. It’s the same psychological architecture whether it’s one partner, a family, a workplace, or an entire cult.

The Bottom Line

Narcissists are ultimately driven by a non-negotiable, insatiable need for power, control, and supply — the emotional fuel that keeps their false self from collapsing.

So if they can get that supply through heaven, they will.

And if they can’t?

They’ll burn the whole thing down and call it destiny.