Is it Codependency or Narcissism?

When “needy” isn’t the problem — and when it’s a red flag.

Today I want to address a concerning trend I’ve been noticing more and more: people mistaking narcissism for codependency.

On the surface, I get it. Some narcissistic behaviours do look similar to codependent tendencies, especially in certain stages of a narcissistic relationship. But the distinction matters — a lot. Being able to tell the difference can mean the difference between getting trapped in an abusive cycle with a pathological individual… or being able to break free, get support, and start building healthier connections with yourself and others.

Let’s break it down.

What Is Codependency?

In my work as a couples therapist, I often see people pick up the label “codependent” almost as if it’s a diagnosable mental health condition. It’s not.

The term was originally coined in the 1950s by Alcoholics Anonymous to describe the enabling behaviours of loved ones of alcoholics. Over time, it’s expanded and now gets used casually — often by partners who feel they’re “too needy,” “too enmeshed,” or too invested in their relationships.

We’re really talking about tendencies like people-pleasing, over-functioning, or losing oneself in the needs of others. But in modern relationships, the word “codependent” often gets thrown around in ways that aren’t helpful — and that usually end up shaming people for wanting closeness and connection.

And wanting connection is not pathological. It’s human.

Why We Need to Consider the Dynamic, Not the Individual

In emotionally focused couples therapy, the label “codependent” can actually get in the way. Couples therapy is systemic by nature — we zoom out to look at the relational dance, not just the behaviour of one partner.

One of the most common pairings I see is an avoidant partner with an anxious partner. This creates what we call the pursuer–distancer cycle.

Here’s how it often plays out:

• The pursuer starts to feel disconnected and asks for closeness — “Let’s spend time together,” “Can we talk?”

• The distancer responds with a lukewarm “maybe,” a dismissive “not now,” or physical/emotional withdrawal.

• This triggers the pursuer’s anxiety, which leads them to protest harder — becoming louder, upset, or critical.

• The distancer then feels overwhelmed or criticised, so they withdraw even further.

• And around and around it goes.

  
  

When you look closely, the so-called “needy” behaviour of the anxious partner isn’t a flaw they carry alone — it’s part of a cycle happening between two people.

So when couples tell me one partner is “codependent,” I redirect them back to the dance. Not to dismiss the pain, but to stop the blame-shame spiral that keeps them stuck. When couples can see the system they’re co-creating, they finally have a chance to change it.

What About Narcissism?

This is where things get more dangerous.

I’m noticing a growing trend of people mistaking narcissistic behaviour — especially in the early stages — for codependency.

And the love-bombing phase is the biggest culprit.

This is the stage where you’re placed on a pedestal. You’re “the best thing since sliced bread,” “the reason they’ve changed,” “the most special person they’ve ever met.” You can do no wrong. They flood your phone with morning texts, hours-long late-night calls, plans for every free moment, and an intensity that feels intoxicating.

To the untrained eye, this can look like codependency.

The narcissist may even tell you they’ve been “accused of being codependent” by ex-partners or family — another layer of manipulation used to create a false sense of vulnerability and relatability.

But here’s the truth: This isn’t codependency. It’s a strategy. A tactic designed to pull you into the narcissist’s maze as quickly as possible so they can take control.

The narcissist may genuinely believe this version of themselves — especially covert types who build their entire false identity around victimhood. And this is particularly attractive to certain types of empaths who feel driven to “save,” “fix,” or “heal” others.

Sometimes, both the empath and the narcissist identify as “codependent,” and it feels like some fated mirroring — two wounded souls who will fix each other.

But once the narcissist has secured your devotion, the dynamic shifts. The boredom sets in. The pedestal crumbles. They begin the devaluation process — slow, subtle, and excruciating… or abrupt and cruel.

The empath is left stunned, devastated, confused, and questioning everything — including themselves.

A Few Final Words

Understanding the difference between relational dynamics (like the anxious–avoidant cycle) and narcissistic relational abuse is critical. They are not the same thing, even though certain moments can look deceptively similar.

The bottom line?

Love bombing is not codependency. It’s a predatory behaviour designed to hook you fast so you’re easier to control.

So be discerning. Protect your energy. And remember: real connection builds slowly, thoughtfully, and with mutual care — never through intensity, overwhelm, or emotional possession disguised as love.